As Chris Tilling has given a go at this, I figured I would.
When asked about whether the resurrection actually happened....
Spong: Well, as a former Episcopal Bishop let me just say that it is certain that Jesus did not actually rise from the dead. Did I mention that I’m a former Episcopal Bishop? This resurrection nonsense has to go – we have to modernize Christianity. Episcopal Bishop…
Wittgenstein: What do you mean by “Did” and “Resurrection” and “Happen”?
Zwingli: Did you just deny the resurrection? Would you like to take a swim in Lake Zurich?
Ehrman: Interestingly, I’ve just written 6 books in the last week on the subject – the answer’s no – read all about it!
National Geographic Society: We’re staying out of this one – we’ve learned our lesson.
History Channel: But not us! Watch next week as we have a panel of people who have no clue what they’re talking about propagating sexy new theories on the resurrection!
John A.T. Robinson: Jesus would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what you people were saying about him.
Irenaeus: God smites heretics – just letting you know.
T.D. Jakes: You better believe Jesus rose from the dead – and his new clothes were super blinging. You know Jesus was stylin’ and profilin’ post-resurrection, he had his Easter clothes on, son!
Joel Osteen: Now -*smiles* - I’ve not actually read the Bible, but I am aware that there’s some talk of resurrection. Honestly, though, I think the most important thing is whether Jesus wants us to be rich and the answer is obviously - - - send me money to find the answer!
Donald Miller: Lets snuggle – mmm mmm. Who wants to make s’mores and talk about how we feel when we say the name Jesus? You do? Well yay – Christ-hugs for everyone!